Goa

I decided to leave the guesthouse shacks without paying I write this a long time after and slightly regretting it, I decided it would be best to go into town and check out where to buy a ticket from etc then I will say bye to my friend andy and then not go to sleep (which was my plan) because sometimes due to meditative practices I feel that I don't need any sleep. So I stayed up trying to sleep until about 3am so I could sneak out of my guesthouse where no one would be awake. Then I tried to start walking along the beach but I thought if I walk as far as possible even in the morning the owners will struggle to see me for a while but as I walked across the beach, the dogs started barking reallya ggressively as I kissed at them, eventually with my luggage i decided to sit down I thought i could meditate for four hours or so but reality kicks in and I start feeling really sleepy, When I am friendly towards the dgos they love me and they were sleeping around me it was quite nice I guess. I am walking up and down trying to sleep near my friend but the dog barks, I guess I just do qigong and wait at one point it started gettinglight and some people asked me for direction, I felt like you come up to me not giving one piece of shit about how I am and just demand I help you. Really felt the selfishness I think I pointed one way or gave a very indifferent reply or perhaps I gave a good one. I cant remember I remember walking up the hill and I think I walked a long time, getting to the railway and asking the railway man and having to wait a while for the bus while ordering myself a breakfast.

places

bangalore, gokarna, goa, pune, hyberadabad, joipur, jaipur, jaisalmer, delhi, haridwar, rishikesh, dharamsala, dehradun, satian, dehradun, lucknow

Gokarna Epiphanies, learnings, Experiences

So I've been making good friends with the a few people at Kudle Beach and they are very aware and smart people. So I had a great time discussing very deep things and learning and organising ideas.

The chinese yoga sequences Yi Jin Jing and five animals are devastatingly powerful. I've had a few really nice meals.

I have looked at the dream yoga book and made a journal for a few days. Improving on the practices and the amount of Qigong I know.

I walked with my friend Diego to Om beach and then Paradise beach we had a very deep chat, and it also rained that night.

Another day and we had deep discussions again.

It was diegos last day because of the full moon party but they just wanted to sit down and I wanted to meet people, my own age, maybe women. They didnt so I just decided to leave for this other beach we planned to go to.

I was doing my Qigong that night and I felt a ridiculous amount of Qi energy in my arms not just my hands. Also I shook on the chair for ten minutes after the Qigong just staring at the candle.

I noticed something about pleasure..I noticed that pleasure can be a form of attack, a way to allow the mind to be angry and proud in ignorance, to strengthen the ego, to temporary relieve the pain...eg froma a belief that I am unloved. whereas when you dont have the belief you dont feel so much pleasure.

I noticed that with women sometimes if I havent been with a woman in a while there is a feeling of being unloved physically so I want to temporarily cover up this pain, whereas if I have been with many women recently it is more about giving love rather than fear, jealousy, pride or anger.

Also I did the dream yoga practices one day, nothing happened but it was good to do...with guru yoga, nine purification breaths and imagining guardians. The next day I slept in the daytime and dreamt very vividly, I missed it the next day due to feeling uncomfortable with the tantra realisation, but last night I did the practice and I had 4 very vivid dreams, and one of them was partially lucid. I felt very excited and joyful to finally be lucid dreaming, I woke up and after Qigong and 1 memory release, slept a bit again and had 2 extremely vivid dreams again which I wrote down.

I realise I am starting to run out of money, so I will aim to live cheaply, also I am getting on with my Teach English coure, I may leave the guesthouse in the middle of the night to avoid paying even though its very cheap. Also I plan to go to Palame in Goa first as its only 1 and a half hours away by cheap bus and the rest of goa is also several buses away spending a small amount of time in each place then off to Hampi. I also have been encouraged to do Vipanassa and Oshos Ashram seem really cool too. I am looking forward to more dream yoga.

Gokarna first few days

I arrived here thinking it would be a cheap place to do some long intensive healing where perhaps I didnt want to be around other people so much. I thought it was a beautiful beach, and 150 rupees a day which was fairly cheap, for a couple of days, I did some Qi gong and started reading this book the tibetan book of dream yoga, so walking around perceiving everything as a dream, keeping a dream journal, and meditating in a more laert fashion with legs crossed, the cost of meals started to add up. I didnt really know anyone though so I still felt some isolation, and my habit seemed to return but I noticed some postive effects of not masturbating for a month... This was just a temporary lapse. I did some healing Emotional Freedom Techniques yesterday on memories to do with my dad, I want to have a good time with my dad when he arrives in Thailand and while my relationship is good, I dont want to have my buttons pushed so I did it on the memories of Announcing I am travelling early, Announcing I am not carrying on with university in Banking, Being told Im obssessive about basketball and watching TV too much, from these memories I concluded that my dad was not proud of me and I was a dissapointment, I also concluded that I have let my dad down and made him sad I need to fix it and my parents dont take me seriously, whereas I can have the other thought that my parents are proud of me and take me very seriously, which is a nice thought and also somewhat accurate. Walking along the beach yesterday I had a chat with a guy just randomly said hello and chatted about deep things for a couple of hours, and today I saw him again, and he was with a friend, and we pretty much spent half the day talking about deep things, it was good to make friends, I also changed my lodging so instead of 150 rupees a day it was now 50 rupees, so I could stay here for a long time for little cost. So I think I will stay for a month. Also I memories Qigong routines such as five animals and Yi jin jing and did them a couple of time today for such a short period of time they are very powerful, Also I read that a Qigong master would first make you master or only teach a few things in 1 year such as Yin Jin jing, 8 Piece brocade, meditation, philosophy, inner smile, opening the heart, So I should focus on this only. I also did my Teach English course from the video which was good to do as it usually takes so long to load.

Bangalore

I feel somewhat uncomfortable expressing myself fully on this knowing people read this lol, but I guess I will not give a shit.  I went to bangalore but the friend was acting confusing/indifferent so I just used the time to work on trauma release for painful memories with EFT...often I would do like 10 hours a day... The topic I was doing it on was girls and every girl I've felt pain from. I wanted to see the crap lurking around my own mind in regards to the opposite sex and perhaps the beliefs make me more attached or act a certain way, also the pain from the opposite sex is often the strongest pain of all, so it was good to release. I had thoughts coming from experiences when I was 12 that I rationalised to myself I am needy and pathetic, this belief system probably developed. I also found it uncomfortable and isolating going from the community of loving friends in Sadhana to a foreign city where it seemed that people wernt so happy or accomadating to foreigners or spoke english. One exercise I learn't was opening the heart so it was smiling, breathing slowly, imagining a sun with its light opening the heart, then radiating the love. Finally I got a ticket to gokarna.

Plans, Epiphanies

So I've decided on some plans although they could change, I did want to go with one friend to bangalore but it seemed to expensive to me. Now I think I want to stay at Sadhana Forest and continue to cleanse my body with food whilst doing somethings I would have missed out on such as the shiatsu massage and the Non Violent communication Intensive 24 hour week workshop. I went to it today and had many epiphanies: I am scared of not being in control, I dont have to think of the end of a relationship as its true end, the concept of impermanence is a belief, also a feeling of the lack of masculinity if I express my need for a relationship with a woman or fear of long periods of loneliness or fear of being hurt. Also fear of not fulfilling my ego image...also feeling what the person is trying to communicate rather than the surface level words. So I want to stay in Sadhana long enough to spend more time not with the addiction which is mastrubation rewiring with brain, also then I want to get to goa and gokarna and stay in a really cheap hotel and spend a lot of time with EFT Matrix Re-Imprinting maybe healing 1000 memories in 1 and a half months and doing some spontaneous meditation. Then later I can have a look at vipanassa and Osho's Ashram and Rishikesh and Communities in the himalayas and maybe earning some money in bollywood. I had an epiphany today that I should completely stop thinking about trying to become enlightened or spiritually grow because its taking me out of the present moment.

Auroville- Sadhana forest

The reason I decided to go travelling: the sense of community and love I got from the peers in my community when I was volunteering. This is an intentional community with a concentration on forestry, kindness, vegan food, workshops here and there, and we generally finish work about 12pm, we have a fun wake-up call with songs and community hugging etc, we have a moment of silence before eating and 2 work shifts which are done in a calmer less profit orientated manner. I feel extremely silly, playful, alive and I fit in 5 hours of meditation like activity everyday. I dont get any sense of isolation, loneliness or seperation so I dont think of the future or think too deeply, I still discuss deep things with like minded people and have people to express things without being judged. I think intentional communitys are a big part of spiritual growth its healing. I want to make a few with more of an emphasis on spiritual growth- such as trauma release like eft, kinaesology, hypnosis, reiki, letting go with dance, drumming, chanting, art, emptiness with zen, sharing circles with self expression (oh yes that is pretty cool sharing personal things with 60 people in a circle, shiatsu, qigong, tai chi, yoga, lucid dreaming etc