Gokarna Epiphanies, learnings, Experiences

So I've been making good friends with the a few people at Kudle Beach and they are very aware and smart people. So I had a great time discussing very deep things and learning and organising ideas.

The chinese yoga sequences Yi Jin Jing and five animals are devastatingly powerful. I've had a few really nice meals.

I have looked at the dream yoga book and made a journal for a few days. Improving on the practices and the amount of Qigong I know.

I walked with my friend Diego to Om beach and then Paradise beach we had a very deep chat, and it also rained that night.

Another day and we had deep discussions again.

It was diegos last day because of the full moon party but they just wanted to sit down and I wanted to meet people, my own age, maybe women. They didnt so I just decided to leave for this other beach we planned to go to.

I was doing my Qigong that night and I felt a ridiculous amount of Qi energy in my arms not just my hands. Also I shook on the chair for ten minutes after the Qigong just staring at the candle.

I noticed something about pleasure..I noticed that pleasure can be a form of attack, a way to allow the mind to be angry and proud in ignorance, to strengthen the ego, to temporary relieve the pain...eg froma a belief that I am unloved. whereas when you dont have the belief you dont feel so much pleasure.

I noticed that with women sometimes if I havent been with a woman in a while there is a feeling of being unloved physically so I want to temporarily cover up this pain, whereas if I have been with many women recently it is more about giving love rather than fear, jealousy, pride or anger.

Also I did the dream yoga practices one day, nothing happened but it was good to do...with guru yoga, nine purification breaths and imagining guardians. The next day I slept in the daytime and dreamt very vividly, I missed it the next day due to feeling uncomfortable with the tantra realisation, but last night I did the practice and I had 4 very vivid dreams, and one of them was partially lucid. I felt very excited and joyful to finally be lucid dreaming, I woke up and after Qigong and 1 memory release, slept a bit again and had 2 extremely vivid dreams again which I wrote down.

I realise I am starting to run out of money, so I will aim to live cheaply, also I am getting on with my Teach English coure, I may leave the guesthouse in the middle of the night to avoid paying even though its very cheap. Also I plan to go to Palame in Goa first as its only 1 and a half hours away by cheap bus and the rest of goa is also several buses away spending a small amount of time in each place then off to Hampi. I also have been encouraged to do Vipanassa and Oshos Ashram seem really cool too. I am looking forward to more dream yoga.

Gokarna first few days

I arrived here thinking it would be a cheap place to do some long intensive healing where perhaps I didnt want to be around other people so much. I thought it was a beautiful beach, and 150 rupees a day which was fairly cheap, for a couple of days, I did some Qi gong and started reading this book the tibetan book of dream yoga, so walking around perceiving everything as a dream, keeping a dream journal, and meditating in a more laert fashion with legs crossed, the cost of meals started to add up. I didnt really know anyone though so I still felt some isolation, and my habit seemed to return but I noticed some postive effects of not masturbating for a month... This was just a temporary lapse. I did some healing Emotional Freedom Techniques yesterday on memories to do with my dad, I want to have a good time with my dad when he arrives in Thailand and while my relationship is good, I dont want to have my buttons pushed so I did it on the memories of Announcing I am travelling early, Announcing I am not carrying on with university in Banking, Being told Im obssessive about basketball and watching TV too much, from these memories I concluded that my dad was not proud of me and I was a dissapointment, I also concluded that I have let my dad down and made him sad I need to fix it and my parents dont take me seriously, whereas I can have the other thought that my parents are proud of me and take me very seriously, which is a nice thought and also somewhat accurate. Walking along the beach yesterday I had a chat with a guy just randomly said hello and chatted about deep things for a couple of hours, and today I saw him again, and he was with a friend, and we pretty much spent half the day talking about deep things, it was good to make friends, I also changed my lodging so instead of 150 rupees a day it was now 50 rupees, so I could stay here for a long time for little cost. So I think I will stay for a month. Also I memories Qigong routines such as five animals and Yi jin jing and did them a couple of time today for such a short period of time they are very powerful, Also I read that a Qigong master would first make you master or only teach a few things in 1 year such as Yin Jin jing, 8 Piece brocade, meditation, philosophy, inner smile, opening the heart, So I should focus on this only. I also did my Teach English course from the video which was good to do as it usually takes so long to load.

Bangalore

I feel somewhat uncomfortable expressing myself fully on this knowing people read this lol, but I guess I will not give a shit.  I went to bangalore but the friend was acting confusing/indifferent so I just used the time to work on trauma release for painful memories with EFT...often I would do like 10 hours a day... The topic I was doing it on was girls and every girl I've felt pain from. I wanted to see the crap lurking around my own mind in regards to the opposite sex and perhaps the beliefs make me more attached or act a certain way, also the pain from the opposite sex is often the strongest pain of all, so it was good to release. I had thoughts coming from experiences when I was 12 that I rationalised to myself I am needy and pathetic, this belief system probably developed. I also found it uncomfortable and isolating going from the community of loving friends in Sadhana to a foreign city where it seemed that people wernt so happy or accomadating to foreigners or spoke english. One exercise I learn't was opening the heart so it was smiling, breathing slowly, imagining a sun with its light opening the heart, then radiating the love. Finally I got a ticket to gokarna.

Plans, Epiphanies

So I've decided on some plans although they could change, I did want to go with one friend to bangalore but it seemed to expensive to me. Now I think I want to stay at Sadhana Forest and continue to cleanse my body with food whilst doing somethings I would have missed out on such as the shiatsu massage and the Non Violent communication Intensive 24 hour week workshop. I went to it today and had many epiphanies: I am scared of not being in control, I dont have to think of the end of a relationship as its true end, the concept of impermanence is a belief, also a feeling of the lack of masculinity if I express my need for a relationship with a woman or fear of long periods of loneliness or fear of being hurt. Also fear of not fulfilling my ego image...also feeling what the person is trying to communicate rather than the surface level words. So I want to stay in Sadhana long enough to spend more time not with the addiction which is mastrubation rewiring with brain, also then I want to get to goa and gokarna and stay in a really cheap hotel and spend a lot of time with EFT Matrix Re-Imprinting maybe healing 1000 memories in 1 and a half months and doing some spontaneous meditation. Then later I can have a look at vipanassa and Osho's Ashram and Rishikesh and Communities in the himalayas and maybe earning some money in bollywood. I had an epiphany today that I should completely stop thinking about trying to become enlightened or spiritually grow because its taking me out of the present moment.

Auroville- Sadhana forest

The reason I decided to go travelling: the sense of community and love I got from the peers in my community when I was volunteering. This is an intentional community with a concentration on forestry, kindness, vegan food, workshops here and there, and we generally finish work about 12pm, we have a fun wake-up call with songs and community hugging etc, we have a moment of silence before eating and 2 work shifts which are done in a calmer less profit orientated manner. I feel extremely silly, playful, alive and I fit in 5 hours of meditation like activity everyday. I dont get any sense of isolation, loneliness or seperation so I dont think of the future or think too deeply, I still discuss deep things with like minded people and have people to express things without being judged. I think intentional communitys are a big part of spiritual growth its healing. I want to make a few with more of an emphasis on spiritual growth- such as trauma release like eft, kinaesology, hypnosis, reiki, letting go with dance, drumming, chanting, art, emptiness with zen, sharing circles with self expression (oh yes that is pretty cool sharing personal things with 60 people in a circle, shiatsu, qigong, tai chi, yoga, lucid dreaming etc

Time in pondicherry

When I finally got into my hotel room I was relieved and just slept for a few hours...Unloaded all my stuff and went back on the internet I think, bought some food and walked to the "beach" at night. But it was a rubbish beach there was just rocks and it was overcrowded. I think I did my Qigong for 2 hours and went to sleep again.

The next day I woke up did my Qigong again for 2 hours then went to the internet cafe, back and forth having lunch, there wasnt much to do, when I walked everyone wanted to try and sell me something and then cars nearly hit me every second too, I had to be careful. In the nightime I used the eft matrix reimprinting but I learnt a really good new method that was much quicker. In 3 hours I did 10 traumatic memories (healed and changed) this would take a week of 3 hours a day before. Went to the internet cafe, had something to eat, was in a profound state of peace I couldnt even think for a minute or two then I did another memory.

Next day I woke up bought some stationary, mosquito nets, did my qigong for 2 hours then eft for an hour and a half, then went to the internet cafe, bought a phone charger, came up with the idea that it would be good to a degree because people dont take you too seriously without one and a science or psychology one would be good. I also did EFT for a couple of hours, had dinner and did EFT for another 3-4 hours. I did 9 hours of meditation this day. Its worth noting though that with this technique I healed 50 memories in 2 days whereas in december, january and to mid february I was doing on average a couple of hours a day healing 50 memories. So thats 2 and a half months work in 2 days.

Today I just woke up did Qigong for 2 hours, went over the memories again incase it didnt work well., got a taxi, some more money, Im going to auroville, soon.

Time with Charles the pastor

So the next day I woke up at 8 and charles the christian missionary was outside so I followed him went to his house, rested, had some breakfast, then later took a car ride to an indian restaurant, I am writing this a week and a half later so it is worth noting that last night he didnt pay for anything I bought meals and he just sat there pretending hed already eaten then. So this morning I did microcosmic orbit opening the energy centers. Which maybe I can do a lot more.

Then I came to the orphanage, and when I got there the kids took my bag I was reluctant because I felt bad him carrying my stuff when hes smaller than me, but then when I was taking it back he looked upset so I just laughed and let him lave it, they pulled a chair for out for me (the kids), and one boy started looking at me and kept looking away, I know he wanted to talk and I was feeling awakrd so i mentioned this to the guy and he told the kids, later the kids introduced themselves to me shaking my hands, asking questions, I looked every kid in the eye and acknowledged them, then I sat down they did little dances, exercises, races, I joined in to some of them too like handstand walks, and kept them from hitting each other. These were cute kids lol..Then I had a meal at a different table afterwards, they all sat in circles with metal plates and their food was rice and some kind of sauce maybe some meat whilst I got nice food, I felt kind of bad. Also the kids kept pouring me water and putting food onto my plate. Later I went to bed in a guest house, which I presume was also better quality than everyone elses stuff.

Next day I got woken up Im trying not to masturbate because it drains my energy, but I think I did last night so I woke up feeling tired.Think I had breakfast specially made like the pastor whilst the kids got hardly anything. Today I was going to the beach with the woman who cooked meals, I did my qigong, microcosmic orbit..and my energy thoroughly boosted, had a small cold shower putting cold water in a bucket and pouring water over me, then in the afternoon I went on the motorbike with the woman who cooked and her sister..then we went on the bus and they kept offering their seat to me but I didnt think I was some god to be worshipped i think were all great, well actually I think Im god but so is everyone, I dont like this whole worshipping mentality india has, it makes people feel powerless, low value, unable to think for themselves, controlled. I bought an ice cream for them, then went and had a look around the boulders, everyone seemed really friendly and open to me, probably because Im white..tried to get close to monkeys and goats they kind of interested me a bit more, also saw some white people for the first time in a few days. Then I went to the beach sat down it was a poor beach really too overcrowded..I think in the nightime I played chess with the kids after my meal.

The next day I went to the beach again with another guy, I think in the morning I did my qigong stuff for 2 hours really makes me feel calm and zoned out, So I went on the bike with this guy and just normal chat I just be myself and people like me, I find it hard to answe when these people who work as christian pastors ask me if im christian and why not? sometimes I just say yes and roll my eyes, this time I went to the park with the temples and boulders, I went up a lighthouse, I just lied and said I was indian and shook the guys hand, walked up the stairs of the lighthouse but it was pretty scary because it was so thin walls I felt relieved to get to the top bit, and then when I got to the very top of the lighthouse, I was really really scared, thinking I could die if I step wrong and was clinging really tightly I was kind of meditating whilst afraid, I never really get scared so this was a new experience, some indian people took a photo of me being scared, and I got angry when it took a long time to leave the top, I hadnt been angry in a few days, and I realised anger was a different form of fear. then when I went down it also took a while...then we went to the beach I just stood in the water for a while wasnt that interested in going in the water even though I took my swimming shorts...but I went and sat around some boulders near the ocean for a while and just a had a chat with the church pastors friend was nice to just chill for a bit, after about half an hour we walked away but I saw people climbing into the park which I said we would go to, so I decided to jump in and my friend/guide did too, but this kind of thing wasnt very common for him. We just walked around, saw a lot of white people and just joked about for a bit. We went home on the bus and bike and I refilled his petrol, when we got back and I just sat and listen to their christian prayers and then the christian pastor guy asked me what my opinions on politics were and I just said I think its all rubbish because businesses run politics also politicians are rich lawyers not neccessarily kind compassionate people, which was brave to say as I was staying here for free. Later I showed the women cook and the kids my laptop and tried to figure out how to use the womans internet connection but it didnt really work.

The next day I did my Qigong, and was going to the jungles and mountain. Charles said I could stay here for a few more weeks but he seemed to change his mind so I had to pack up my bag and was sad to leave the kids, when I was going on the bus..I did my EFT without tapping with my fingers just going over the points, releasing emotions like "the kids need me, I am responsible for them, I am a bad person for leaving them, they cant cope without me" funny how stupid beliefs are. We sat on the train for 2 hours, I was getting to know this women cook Esther better she was going to be my guide and I was going to pay for her train and stuff. When I got to the train station I sat for a while ate food that she bought and mosquitoes kept biting my feet so I put on jeans and shoes and charles came with the ticket, and I said I would pay for it although it was quite expensive and then he said you can go back to the childrens home but you have to pay I was trying to negotiate but eventually said ok and the extra money would be my contribution to the orphans. I slept on the sleeper bed on the train which wasnt really that comfortable, but I'd never done it before.

At 4am I woke up, we sat in a different area the guy charles was talking to the train security..then we got off and waited for the hill train, we were late so the guy charles organised me and the esther tickets and I saw a lot of white people for the first time in a while, and I immediately made friends with the people in my carriage whilst staring at the people opposite thinking the girl was hot and the guy was whipped. I sat in awe watching the scenery just in a kind of meditation for the whole journey. Every stop I got off some Indian guys from kerala wanted to take pictures of me I just talked to them joking like, Im going to start charging for photos. When we got to the top I said bye and then met another christian pastor who would be my guide for the day, just sat in the car got to his house he kept talking and making statements about himself, he seemed very smart into bikes and adventures and stuff. I had a room for the night which was pretty nice actually. I just changed my clothes and sat in the car, I payed 500 rupees just to fill his charge for like 2 minutes which was quite naive of me. Anyways I was getting jealous of him getting attention of the female guide, I was used to it even though I didnt want to think I liked her. We walked through tea estates which were really beautiful and the guy kept talking about his cars. I found him slightly annoying at first. Then we got to a section where there was a good view of everything but I was annoyed because I thought he was a bit arrogant and flirting with the girl. I was jealous which was a bit strange. Then we walked up and started discussing religion, which was interesting for me because my thoughts are that it controls people and you should meditate and become god like so its easier to be nice rather than worship a potentially imaginary god and try your best to be "good", I warmed up to him after this discussion, we had some stuff to eat. Then we went to a dam which was beautiful lake with monkeys in the trees it was really a beautiful place. I started to like this guy more and he suggested I work in a call centre teaching the english accent and make lots of money which was interesting. I was sharing my thoughts a lot with this guy because he seemed smart. When we got back to the house I did my Qigong stuff for two hours, felt super relaxed. Jim left and then I just went to dinner with esther, just really relaxed and had some special bread called porota three times I didnt think it was healthy to just have bread for dinner though. I went to bed that night pretty much as soon as I came home.

The next day I woke up, tried to do the part of the qigong which worked with sexual energy and healthy masturbation as i couldnt do this infront of anyone and then open up my channels in the car or whatever. We said bye to jim and took a bus to another place called ooti, I did the meditation on the bus and felt super calm. Then when we got to the place I met charles again in some restaurant, we had a meal and he bought a ticket for the train I noticed this time the ticket was really expensive but I was being nice and possible naive about it all. Then we walked to an amusement park although it wasnt really that good and then to a boathouse, which cool but a bit expensive then we walked back to the train station to wait for the train early, we got in line early but somehow didnt get any tickets, It was a bit of drama but we ended up getting a bus and esther chatted to some pastor guy. When we got to the next train station we waited for a bit then met charles again i was feeling real peaceful again, I met charles cousin who was also a pastor and was just friendly with him, maybe I would hang out with him and he said jim said I was lazy but he wanted to hang out again. I said I like him although earlier esther said he talked too much and I just teased her about the kind of guys she likes. We sat in the sleeper train for a while and then went to sleep but I had a terrible sleep, mostly because I had an urge to masturbate so I did in the toilet, and then that drained my energy for the next day. my heart felt like it was out of its socket, I left charles and we went on a couple of buses home but esther and I were really really tired, when I got back to the orphanage I just slept for a until mid afternoon then did my qigong still felt tired but then ate and then exercised and felt a lot better, played with the kids did exercise pull-ups, dance, racing, and after dinner I just went to dinner again. I did EFT Matrix Re-Imprinting tonight but I really changed the technique and was suprised how quickly it worked.

The next day I woke up did my Qigong and did some Matrix Re-Imprinting for the memories that werent complete. I felt pretty good. I saw charles he was in a different room preaching and singing songs, I had breakfast for a bit, was in a complete zone of peace and stillness, trying not to judge christianity as bad. Then played with the dogs I caught him looking I dont think he was too impressed that i was walking out on his stuff so I just sat on the swings in my state of far superior peace than christianity could ever bring, I went in and out of the different rooms, I got bored so went upstairs and just slept for a few hours, chatted to esther about marriage in india. I found out that most people marry their cousins and dont choose marriage partners and no sex before marriage, also in another conversation I found out how the price of everything in India was drastically different to the price of things in england for example in india its 15 pence for the bus in england its 2 and a half pounds, in india its 80 pounds a month to rent a house in england its like 1000 pounds. I asked to go to the internet cafe, and I went with a kid, let him go on the internet printed off some documents, bought some chocolate for all the kids. When I was in the taxi coming back home charles called me and said he wants coke and pepsi i was getting irritated by how much money I was spending on him so I kept repeating if he would pay me back and eventually he got the message and said ok. I got back to the orphanage and said Hi and he was caning kids which really irritated me later he explained that it was kids were eating poisoinous foods, I said ok I understand I guess I just dont really like watching kids get hit, he said something about the bible saying spare the rod and you spoil the child i just said yeah but your christian and Im not. Anyways we had dinner and he started mentioning about paying for the rent for the week before were he never mentioned anything about rent I just said Im not going to pay he kept going on, and asking me why im going travelling with not much money and I explained, anyways I was getting bad vibes he was getting interrupted by his phone and I was getting calls from my parents so I finished my dinner and went upstairs to sleep. i was trying to discuss what to do with my parents and my mum said something about leaving if youve paid a lot of money then later I figured Ive actually spent tons of money on them and counted how much then I thought, I dont need to pay anything more, so I talked with my parents and then decided and walked around thinking about things. I packed up my stuff, tried to figure out a route where I wouldnt be seen and the dogs wouldnt be heard, I realised they had my passport photocopy but they couldnt really do anything about it also had my mobile phone charger but I could get another one. So at about 12am I just left creeping quietly through the dark, walking with an extremely vague sense of where I was going, stray dogs kept waking up at barking for about 1 minute at me, these werent cute pets these were diseased dogs. I was a little scared but just kept walking with my head down maybe kissing my teeth and looking the dogs in the eyes and smile, I got lots kept asking for directions, the bag was really heavy so i stopped every 10 minutes after an hour or two I found the bus stop, sat for like an hour or two started seeing buses, got on every bus and asked for pondicherry but the buses where all written in tamil and no one spoke english, eventually I decided to ask a coach driver if he spoke english and then found my way through various buses, I slept a little bit. Then I finally got to pondicherry it was sunday and all the internet cafes were closed and I had no phone reception so I guess I had to look at different hotels and consider my options, i eventually got helped by one guy who showed me a list of hotels and maps and let me keep my backpack in the lobby for half an hour or so. I walked around eventually saw an internet cafe which would give me time to contact my parents and go on the internet and do my teach english also this would reduce my hotel costs as i could get the cheapest hotel and just use an internet cafe instead of wifi, I liked this place lots of tourists and a good beach and tons of shops, I found a few cheap ones and one guy showed me a cheap and one of the guys wanted a bribe and I was getting annoyed with him so I shouted because he was teasing me, eventually i decided to stay at one hotel for three days and relax check out the beach before I go to auroville for a bit, so i got a room, slept for a bit.



http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=RVopMlVIPA0

 http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ohbQkrTWD8Q